June 8, 2009
just getting settled. i am happy i have clean clothes and my crappy futon to lay in tonight. it was a wonderful day of driving, its the only therapy i really enjoy. windows down, music blasting, wind in my face, sunglasses shielding the sun, trees and green flooding my vision. i hung out with my sister today, i made her cry. that wasn’t my intent. i never wanted to hurt her, i  never want to hurt anyone. i miss her so much sometimes. i never want her to think that i don’t love her. despite everything, i had that stressful car ride home tonight with my mother. she always makes the knots reappear in my stomach. i know she cares, and she is just looking out for me, but its that tone that drives me nuts. and its the boredom that makes me do these things. makes me spend money. makes me want to smoke cigarettes even though i desperately want to quit those little suckers. sometimes i just want things to fall into place so bad, that i would give up anything. then i think about it and i know that i wouldn’t. i wonder what i would have to give up. and then i think about how lucky i am for all the things i do have and i think about how i shouldn’t just keep wanting more because of how completely unsatisfied i feel all the time. i don’t understand why. my mind just seems to always plot against me and i so desperately want it to turn itself around. i just want to see things more clearly and not have to think so much all the time. i am worried and stressed and i have no idea why. well i do, but i wish that those weren’t the reasons.  i wish i wasn’t selfish, and i wish i didn’t want things so much. i feel like my mind and heart are eating me away, and i don’t want to lose myself anymore than i already have. especially since i have been working so hard to get myself back, and my life on the right track.  just another night to fall asleep early. i am proud to say that my days of insomnia are limited, which is good. i think going back to full time hours at H&M is helping, instead of thinking i just pass out at night. its probably healthier that way. although i do miss being so productive at 4AM.

just getting settled. i am happy i have clean clothes and my crappy futon to lay in tonight. it was a wonderful day of driving, its the only therapy i really enjoy. windows down, music blasting, wind in my face, sunglasses shielding the sun, trees and green flooding my vision. i hung out with my sister today, i made her cry. that wasn’t my intent. i never wanted to hurt her, i  never want to hurt anyone. i miss her so much sometimes. i never want her to think that i don’t love her.

despite everything, i had that stressful car ride home tonight with my mother. she always makes the knots reappear in my stomach. i know she cares, and she is just looking out for me, but its that tone that drives me nuts. and its the boredom that makes me do these things. makes me spend money. makes me want to smoke cigarettes even though i desperately want to quit those little suckers. sometimes i just want things to fall into place so bad, that i would give up anything. then i think about it and i know that i wouldn’t. i wonder what i would have to give up. and then i think about how lucky i am for all the things i do have and i think about how i shouldn’t just keep wanting more because of how completely unsatisfied i feel all the time. i don’t understand why. my mind just seems to always plot against me and i so desperately want it to turn itself around. i just want to see things more clearly and not have to think so much all the time. i am worried and stressed and i have no idea why. well i do, but i wish that those weren’t the reasons. 

i wish i wasn’t selfish, and i wish i didn’t want things so much. i feel like my mind and heart are eating me away, and i don’t want to lose myself anymore than i already have. especially since i have been working so hard to get myself back, and my life on the right track. 

just another night to fall asleep early. i am proud to say that my days of insomnia are limited, which is good. i think going back to full time hours at H&M is helping, instead of thinking i just pass out at night. its probably healthier that way. although i do miss being so productive at 4AM.

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